Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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