the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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