I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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