If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish I only lived at night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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