bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
