If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A bitchslap is in order.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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