girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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