I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
