Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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