I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
