My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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