some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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