Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
