Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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