Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
