This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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