I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
