a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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