I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
