I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
