Plan B is the new Plan A
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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