I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
