There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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