I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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