You smell like stripper and shame
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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