He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
