i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
