I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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