I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
