My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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