Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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