I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
