Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
