i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
