I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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