I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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