oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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