sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You work out of a Hotel?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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