so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
