I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize