At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize