My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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