I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
