ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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