dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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