I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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