How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
