But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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