Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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