and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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