Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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