btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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