i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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