not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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