I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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