i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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