I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
