I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I need water and some morals
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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